Saturday, June 14, 2014

Post Election Ontario

It seems appropriate in the wake of yesterday and the Ontario provincial election that some mockery of the residents of the GTA ensue. That very large sucking noise that is now being heard from the direction of  Lake Ontario is just the sound of the City of  Suck pulling the big chain on their own Crapper! And so .....

(A tale inspired by the prose of Fenris Badwolf and an old joke about a certain separatiste .....)

So as the story goes it was by sheer coincidence that two Canadians were on a Caribbean cruise somewhere in the Caribbean regions where many Canadians like to go to get away from Canada.

It so happened that on this one daily Rum Cruise there was a mighty Caribbean storm that may or may not have been caused by Global Warming or Climate Change or David Suzuki or Al Gore... not that it matters which if any of these things caused the storm anyway.

The upshot of this storm having happened on this particular day was that it surprised the Captain and Crew of the Jolly Bugger (which was the name of the boat that took Canadian tourists on Rum Cruises every day)... the captain and crew being particularly surprised because they just happened to be wasted on magic mushrooms and Zig-Zag which they did not share with the Canadian Tourists and therefore had made pigs of themselves with thus becoming really wasted beyond the capacity to react to a storm.

The result of the Jolly Bugger being caught in the storm was that the boat and the crew and the passengers were all wrecked (as if they were not in the first place) but the wreck ended up on the shore of something like the fabled Island of Gilligan. Although there were no Ginger, no Marianne, nor any professor, skipper, millionaire or his wife. There were no coconut phones or palm tree contraptions. Not even a shitty little leaky hut to get out of the wind, rain or sun.

All there was on this island was one Canadian tourist from Toronto and one from anywhere else in Canada who both had miraculously survived when all others had perished. Truth be told that all the other passengers had discovered the crew's magic mushrooms and Zig-Zag as the crew had panicked and being pigs themselves gorged themselves before the storm eventually killed them all.

And so it went that these two who neither had nor could have anything in common other than an arbitrary designation of being Canadian did not cooperate or get along nor could they stand the sight of each other. In fact the only thing that kept one from murdering the other was the fact that they were both wasted ... from the Rum Cruise and from being wrecked in the sense that having your boat ripped to shreds and all your fellow travelers drowned.

As the days passed they tended to avoid one another and it was merely a matter of coincidence that they bumped into each other at the exact spot where a MAGIC LANTERN was lying in the sand.

Being Canadians and used to living in a fantasy version of life they of course knew immediately what this meant and what they needed to do. And so ....

After the rubbing of the lamp the obligatory Genie of the Lamp appeared and explained to them the rules for wishes that applied to this particular lamp. Being a particularly fair minded Djin the genie explained that because they both had found and rubbed him he would offer them TWO wishes each but not three as is the usual arbitrary number.

And so it went that the Toronto Canadian was quick to grasp at his entitlement and demand to be taken back to his beloved Toronto where all things were bright and beautiful.... and while he was at it that the Djin should make a wall a thousand feet high to keep out all those other ungrateful Canadians who were not from Toronto like this fellow who had been troubling him here on this island ever since the boat wreck.

And so ... the Djin complied!

The less demanding other Canadian who was from someplace other than Toronto waited to be asked what it was that he wished.

And when the Genie inquired .... said: "You know that wall the other guy asked for?" Yes! ... said the Djin.... "Can you fill it with water?"

And so it was that all of Canada other than the part of Canada known as Toronto was delivered their fondest wish by the clever and unselfish act of one Canadian tourist who was not from Toronto.

BTW - he also used his second wish wisely.



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